蘇老師專欄

[ 2018-06-25 ]

<談文論譯>從容乎疆場之上,沉潛於仁義之中   蘇正隆

之前談審訂「嚴以律己,寬以待人。海納百川,萬事圓融。」的修改過程,是委託人提供英譯初稿,我們再加工。以下實例則是未提供英譯初稿,直接由中文翻成英文。

與我協同教學的一位B教授問: 

B: Kindly help translate從容乎疆場之上,沉潛於仁義之中 into English. (From: B Sent: Thursday, November 21, 2013 5:37 PM To: Jerome Su)

JS: If it’s for an obituary, you can say: He was a man of virtue, a man of high moral caliber. But in the battlefield he destroyed his enemies with ease. (2013/11/21 Jerome Su)
 
我建議如果是訃聞、輓聯類就翻成如上。她回說是某校長要送外賓禮物的題詞。

B: Sorry I didn't explain what it's for. It's for a gift that a university president prepared for his important foreign guest. When the words go with a gift, the translation should be a bit different. (2013/11/22 (週五) 下午 12:11)

所以我據以改譯 (Revised accordingly)如下:

JS: With brain, brawn and a will, we can straighten things out with ease, in war and in peace. Or, With brain, brawn and bravery, we can straighten things out with ease, in war and in peace. (2013/11/22 Jerome Su)

其中第二個譯法我還嘗試押頭韻 (alliteration),以bravery取代 will, 變成brain, brawn and bravery,為了安全,我也Google查證,確實有人這麼用過,雖然只有兩筆。不過以上英譯我還沒請美國編輯確認過,所以請B教授問一下外籍老師的意見。

JS: I haven’t consulted our American editor yet. You can check with your American or British friends to see if it makes sense. (From: Jerome Su Sent: Friday, November 22, 2013 10:17 PM To: B)

她問了外籍老師後回覆如下,另問了主詞 ‘you’ or ‘we’ 的問題:

B: (外師) suggested that “in war or peace” should be in front. … subject - we. Can it be 'you' rather than ‘we’? (From: B Sent: Tuesday, November 26, 2013 5:09 PM To: Jerome Su)

我回答說 ‘you’ or ‘we’ 都可,但我喜歡用 ‘we,’ 表示與讀者同一陣營。

JS: Either ‘you’ or ‘we’ is fine. I prefer using ‘we’ to ‘you’ in communication because it shows that the speaker and the audience are in the same boat. (2013/11/26 (週二) 下午 11:41)

後來我與資深美國編輯 Lynn Sauve討論過,通知B教授定稿如下:

JS: I discussed the translation with a veteran American editor. Here is our rendition: Whether in war or peace, with brain, brawn and will, we can easily handle anything.  (2013/11/26 Jerome Su)

我昨天在〈中翻英稿費計算方式〉一文提到,中翻英不太可能一步到位,從以上的討論及反覆修改過程可以略見一斑。(Jerome Su, June 12, 2018)